My Blog

Living with an addiction

August 11, 2021

Living with an addiction is hard work, especially when the addiction is a socially accepted drug that permeates our culture on many different levels. It truly is a love/hate relationship. One that seems to have always been a part of my life. It whispers in my ear and tells me everything will be okay.

It is a liar and always has been. It tells you that it will make you feel good, yet you end up worse than when you started. It is a momentary relief and a bitter regret all at the same time. Relief to be able to forget, and regret as you do not know where this will go - and a guarantee of feeling worse in the morning! But in that moment is the desire to relieve yourself of the emotional burden - and you don’t care. You don’t care about the cost, you need relief, you need to run away from all the unworthiness and feelings of not being good enough. The self-hate is hurting too much.

It becomes a vicious cycle, repeating itself. Walking on that hamster wheel, going around and around. Your own game of self-loathing. Hurting yourself when all you are trying to do is escape the pain. Then hurting yourself more because you are so weak and disgusting and you compound the belief that you are a failure. You believe that you are unworthy and prove to yourself over and over that you are not good enough, you do not matter.

The voices in your head are powerful, and oh so hurtful when left to go unchecked. They cause more pain than words that any other person can say to you.

The voice starts as a whisper when you are young. You take on the belief that the person who is supposed to love you and care for you and keep you safe, is also the monster who hurts you with their words or their actions so there must be something wrong with you. I am not good enough!

The voice becomes louder when you are a teenager. You are different to everyone else. You cannot seem to connect with anyone and you are bullied and separated. You feel isolated and alone in the world.

The voice questions you as you mature. 'Who do you think you are?' Causing you to doubt yourself.

The voice tells you that you are not worthy of love.

The voice berates you when you make a mistake, to show you that you are worthless and a failure.

The voice tells you that you need to work harder. You are a failure so you must push harder.

The voice is a constant in your life. You are a bad mother, a bad wife, you are lazy, you are never going to amount to anything. You are too fat, ugly, different. You do not fit in. You do not deserve recognition. You would be better off quitting as you are a failure anyway.

The voice never stops.

So, you drink. That stops the voice, you don’t give a shit! Nothing matters anymore, who cares what they say about you, who cares if they don’t like you, who cares if you hurt them, who cares, who cares, who cares? You want to run away from all the self-hatred, you need a break, you need time out and this is the only way you know how to find relief. This makes it all go away.

Until tomorrow and then you start all over again. Or the weekend, or a month, or six months, slowly building up, slowly wearing you down. The voice becomes louder, you push it down, pretend it’s not there. Soldier on, ignore it, push through, work hard, shut your mouth, hold it all in, don’t let it out, don’t let them see who you really are, you must keep it together. And then fuck it!

The voice is what is running the show. The unchecked, unmoderated, lying voice that is hurting you and telling you all the things that keep you stuck on the hamster wheel.

The voice that started out trying to make sense of the monster who showed up instead of her dad. The voice, that could not know that her dad was unwell with PTSD, taking on the belief that it must be all her fault. She deserved to be treated this way as there was something wrong with her. This scared little girl, who could not make sense of anything, believed that she was not good enough to be loved without the pain of rejection.

No one understands why another person does what they do. Often you do not realise why you do what you do!

You go through life operating on a program and belief system from a young age that starts as a voice in your head that runs the show. That dictates how you act, react, and respond to all situations in your life.

Some programs are fantastic and get you exactly what you want in this life. Yet others are flawed and keep you stuck in a cycle that is destructive. It causes massive pain in your life and the lives of the ones who love you.

The hamster wheel of destruction is not fun for anyone. It slowly eats away at who you are and takes all your happiness away. This hamster wheel is operated and perpetuated by your own inner voice. It is your belief that you took on. It is your story that you tell yourself everyday and look for the confirmation to prove that you are right.

The good news is that you can change your story. You can quiet that voice. You can reprogram that never ending narrative to a program that brings you joy, happiness, success, clarity, and calm. To have connection within yourself.

You can unsubscribe to the old program, and upgrade your life to be how you want it to be.

That is what I have done. I have turned down that voice and the new voice, the powerful voice, is one that makes me feel amazing and tells the truth about me.

Imagine hearing your own voice telling you wonderful things. Your voice encouraging you, supporting you, inspiring you. Telling you that you are enough, you can achieve anything. That it is here for you, and it loves you no matter what. Imagine loving yourself and knowing who you are. Imagine waking up in the morning and being happy.

That is ME, that is my world now. Come and join me through my ME FIRST 6 Month Coaching Program