WARNING - CONTAINS ADULT CONTENT.
On and off I would go to church and then leave, each time being called back as I wanted to have a connection, I wanted to have a relationship with Jesus, with God. I don’t want to go to hell, and I don’t want to hang out with people who are not honest with themselves.
I spent many years, on again off again, searching for this connection to God that I had as a child. The innocence of faith was always calling me and always outside of my reach.
In my thirties I left the church, I could not go back. I mourned the loss, but I could not live with the pressure of never being good enough any longer. I spent the next 10 years feeling very disconnected. I prayed but I felt a massive disconnect and drifted away from that part of who I was. I ended up divorcing my loving husband and breaking myself and my family apart after nearly 20yrs of marriage.
The next few years were some of the darkest years of my life, I had no faith and I felt extremely disconnected from everyone in my life. Including myself. I worked hard, I drank lots and I was running away from everything that felt uncomfortable. If it had of been possible, I would have run away from myself as I was so desperately unhappy and I had no idea on how to fix it.
Over time I started to connect with different teachings and started to do some inner healing and it was good. It felt good to learn that I had control of my own life and that if I had control then that gave me the power to change it. So, I did, I started the journey back to myself and found forgiveness and an element of acceptance.
I was hungry to learn as much as I could, as I did not want to feel this emptiness within myself any longer. So, I practiced what I was learning, and it was good, I loved taking control of my emotions, I loved that I had the power within myself to change my world. And the more I stepped into this world the more empowered I became. The New Age practice is all about going with yourself, that you are God and that you have the same powers as God, and you can be and do anything.
I didn’t like the terminology that I was God, but it was presented in such a way that it felt it didn’t hurt. It was made sound safe and good and that it won’t hurt me. That it is in fact the truth and I am as powerful as the creator. For my catholic upbringing I had concerns, but I didn’t want to listen to them as in this way of living there is no sin, there is nothing wrong. Everything is an experience. It is up to you as to what you want to experience and then do that.
There were good teachings on how to let go of trauma and stress and meditation and self-care practices and lots of stuff that felt so amazing that I by passed the stuff that didn’t seem so good to me. And enjoyed living a life where there was no sin, and you can do whatever you like as long as you are doing no harm to others.
As time went by, I worked and lived within this space and was doing everything with MY power to be the best version of myself that I could be.
I did all the work, I challenged myself in my thinking and with what I accepted within my own self and those around me.
I had moved a very long way from living my life in Faith and alignment with the God I knew as a child. In March 2020 when the world broke, so did I. I had a spiritual meltdown. I could no longer continue to live without Jesus and God as my guide. I needed to return to Jesus as my Lord and savior. So, I decided to go back to my Faith with my mother. It had taken a lot of prayer and soul searching to go to Mass as well as a bucket load of courage.
I was going through the pits of hell within my own self, and I was desperate to reconnect with Jesus and God and my faith and have that spiritual connection once again.
So, I went to Church and on my 2nd visit Mum suggested that I go to confession, so in I went only to be told by a young priest that I needed to go home and end my relationship with my longer term partner and father to our beautiful little girl if I wanted to return to my faith as a Catholic.
To be honest there are no surprises there, as that is what the church teaches you, I was living in sin. I cannot be completely accepted if I am living in sin.
And that is where I can’t fit in, that is where I looked around me, through me and within me and prayed and asked for guidance.
I would ask for messages if I were on track and I would hear myself saying, every single person has different finger prints because everyone is different. Why would I have the same relationship with everyone if I gave everyone their own fingerprints.
I cried many rivers; I write to Jesus and my guardian Angles and ask for guidance to live a life of service to others. I have learnt over my life so far that we are all different and that our relationship with Jesus and God is different. That trying to fit into a cookie cutter relationship does not work for me.
I feel as though I need to be expansive in my relationship with God, if I must do it a certain way, that I need to pray this way and it needs to be reined in and ruled over then it isn’t authentic. It isn’t me and Jesus connecting, all that is happening is that I am ticking a box so say, look I am a good person. But then go through life still disconnected from the truth that Jesus was teaching in the first place.
That you need to love, that you need to cry out for help, that you are fully supported and loved, and you do not need to do this alone. But you must ask for help, that you must have faith in something bigger than yourself.
That your job is not to worry about the details but to live in service of the truth of who you are, which is a loving human being.
I don’t attend church; I am not against whatever it is you need to do to have a connection with God and Jesus. I have no opinion if you connect with Jesus, God, Higher Self, Angles, Guardian Angles, Ancestors, Guides, Source. I am sure that you have your own relationship, and you connect with God the way that is right for you. But what I have learnt, is that when you believe that you are the God, that you are the Source that you are the one with the higher power then you are missing the best part of it all. The freedom to be yourself, knowing and having Faith that there is a higher power taking care of you. That you don’t need to be the one responsible for fixing everything that is wrong. It isn’t your job. Your job is to live in service of self and others and to be joyful.
Jesus has answered my childhood question, I can be a mother and a partner and be in service as his faithful servant. I can have both and I don’t need to choose.
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